Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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