glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
