why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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