had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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