so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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