I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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