The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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