i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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