Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
