I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
