i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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