My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
