i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize