I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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