Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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