I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
