i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
