she looked like the bat from fern gully.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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