my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
