My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
