Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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