I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize