I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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