Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
