The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
