She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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