How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
