I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
