My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
