Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
