I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
