Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
