last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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