I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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