You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
