Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize