Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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