Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
