Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
