well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
