My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
