I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
