Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
