i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
