just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
