I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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