you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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