When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
