I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just made out with a guy for $7.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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