why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
