the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
