Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
