oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
