apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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