We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
