halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
