I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
