Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
