I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I am midnight drunk by noon
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
