i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
