He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
