At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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